Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dialogue containing Philosophical Ramblings Concerning the Youth & the Future

  • What are staring at?
  • Nothing. Just staring for the hell of it.
  • Huh?
  • I don't know. I'm just talking nonsense right now.
  • What wrong, man?
  • Just a little lost right now.
  • Where are you right now?
  • Across the table from you obviously.
  • I mean, you're lost, but where are you supposed to be?
  • On the course to the future
  • Aren't you doing that now?
  • I s'pose.
  • Don't think it has to be linear.
  • But Steven Hawkins said time was like an arrow.
  • Yeah, he was wrong. Sorry.
  • [sigh]
  • Yeah, I said it. He was wrong. He has no fucking clue what he's talking about with science or doing with his life.
  • He's done a lot given his condition.
  • Yeah, but he can't drink from a water fountain.
  • Huh? That's a minor detail in the whole deal he's got going for him.
  • Yeah, well, still.. this theory of his is still ruining your life. It doesn't matter if time is an arrow. It's directional, yes, but it doesn't mean that you have to be directional.
  • I feel like I must be.
  • But you're still young.
  • I guess. It's still hard.
  • Think of it this way: your parents are the ones that have conditioned you to think you must have direction. And in the vague sense, you should. You do have more direction than you think.
  • Hmmm
  • You see... people forget about wallowing. There's so much that can be done with the wallowing.
  • But it's so much circularity with the wallowing.
  • But at least you're still alive. We're so focused on direction. This way. That way.
  • It only makes sense.
  • But only in moderation. This way. That way. Forget where you're headed. You need to worry more about the validity of whether it should exist in the first place. Just don't fall into that trap.
  • Still doesn't help with the feelings.
  • Fuck your feelings. You'll find that if you just let go, your feelings will follow.
  • Don't you think that being so carefree will hurt you in the long-run?
  • Eh. If I'm worried about it, I wouldn't be able to figure it out.
  • Hmmm. It doesn't seem to be a viable philosophy to always live like that.
  • See, I look at it this way. If I'm normally going to be guided in my life by everyone around me, it doesn't matter to me that I live a little freewheelingly.
  • Freewheelingly?
  • Yeah, whatever. I used that adverb. Anyway, my life is already more structured that I think it is. There're a lot of decisions I never have to make yet guide my life the entire time.
  • Interesting.
  • So the entire time I get to be carefree, I'm really just balancing the equation of structure on the other end. Get it?
  • I guess. It's a weird philosophy to live by.
  • It's not too weird.
  • Don't you want to get anything accomplished in your life?
  • I do, but not right now.
  • But if not now, when?
  • When I feel like it.
  • Don't you want to at least try and "fake it 'til you make it"?
  • No. Not at all. I'm perfectly happy where I am right now.
  • But you get nothing done.
  • And I'm cool with that.
  • You are an interesting character...
  • I try to be. I just figure that I'll do what I desire and wait for my destiny to show itself to me.
  • [pause] Don't you think that you have to pursue your destiny? That it's not laid out for you, but it's something that must be fought for?
  • Well, obviously I don't since I'm not doing it right now.
  • Well, think about it for a little. Let's just do it for the sake of argument.
  • Uh, okay. [short exhale] Way too much effort for something with so little potential to change my philosophy.
  • See, I know that you hate subscribing to any one philosophy or ideology, but don't I think maybe you're being too tied to the ideology of not being tied to any ideology.
  • And how's the bad?
  • Well, you're not doing what you logically see and feel is the better choice. You're doing what isn't what everyone else is doing.
  • Hmm, never thought of it that way.
  • See, not so ready now with the banter, are ya?
  • Hmm, I wouldn't start getting too chippy with me. Just give me a minute.
  • Alright.

  • [unfinished dialogue, more to come]

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Attractive Girl Who

She’s that type of girl that everyone asks you about; everyone has seen her and is as infatuated as you are with her. You know, that type of girl who is so attractive yet so aloof that you have spoken to her before. She laughed at your goofy, inane joke on the elevator ride to the 7th floor. She’s grinned when you’re at a party and you make some cruddy comment about how much you enjoy being a sardine at the beach-themed party. The girl is pleasant enough to smile and reward you for your effort, but, in the end, you know where your place is.

You see her closest friends are usually uglier than she is. She may have a “safe” boy who only enjoys the fact that being good friends with her will pay off in the long-run, but right now, he’ll just play her “friend”. He’s just a pussy who won’t make a move ever since the timing’s not right. These things you notice.

Also, you notice how she constantly scans the room, like someone either bored with the conversation enclosed within the circle of schizophrenic vernacular vomit or hearing her name throughout the crowd. It’s almost like the ugly girl who wants to make sure no one is judging her for the ugliness she cannot change. That scanning is how she’s been able to catch on to how much you actually ogle at her. The girl with her eyes always on the periphery.

You know that she’s nice enough to your face, but in reality, she’d never throw down with you. Yet you see the muscular douche bag guys she allows to hit on her. She takes their banter, just as aloof as any other time. You’re curious as to what is she waiting for, never having committed to any of them. And that distance she keeps between her and them always fills you with a glimmer as to the chances you have with her. She doesn’t fall for those guys, so being the nice guy would win you points.

The deal is, though, that the distance she keeps between her and the douche bags is the same distance that keeps you from approaching her. A calculation you see in her eyes. The restraint she holds in the corner of her lips as she smiles. You never see her hands flow through the air while talking to someone else. You never have seen her get caught up in her own laughter. The stare she has that loses your train of thought. A glance that warms your primal urge to chew on some animal bone. You forget about the completeness of her distance until you see her the next time. Cyclical, indeed, yet it’s nothing you can control, so you decide not to.

She becomes the type of girl that you and your buddies can only gaze at from afar as you elbow each other along the cafeteria table’s edge. Elbows sometimes overstep their bounds since a quick dart of the eyes will suffice to speak plenty. There is no snickering in the exchange, just pure awe in what God has created and allowed you to see.