Sunday, July 24, 2011

FEAR: Norway, London, Kenya (A Meditation)

I haven't tweet that much in the past week. For a variety of reasons, I am now a firm believer in the conservation of energy. Maybe it's because science has delved itself too far into my brain, but I've come to the conclusion that finite beings bound by finite measures (i.e. time, space) must abide by these rules. There's only so much time in the day. There's only so much ability for us to be awake. As I've grown up, I've seen lots of things, but haven't paid much attention to them.

I have a friend named Terrence-dactyl (...I know, don't ask). He once said, "It's not about doing it. It's about doing it good." I responded, "Don't you mean,'Well'?" He said, "Sure."

That's really been on my mind this week as I feel like I've been less contributory to something that's been usually pretty fun to me.

The Norway stuff from this week got me thinking about stuff I don't know much about. I'm not well-traveled. I haven't read that much on much of anything. I've learned much of what I know from television & film. It's invaded my life, as it has yours. I've lived a lot through telesvision. Moon landings, presidents being shot or liars, storms ravaging deserted people on the coast, people ravaging dessert lands more inland, Towers falling, schoolchildren fleeing. Fuck, I even experienced Ghostwriter & Wishbone, for Christ's sake.

But for the first time, I felt something while looking at my screen, reading news from Norway, from London, from Kenya has really got me thinking in ways that I'm not used to. I'm not mature enough to really undersatnd these things, but I feel something. I don't know what it is. Should I feel humbled by the way the world is out of my control & I'm just left groping awkwardly as this young schoolgirl of a feeling. What do I do with it? Where do I go from here?

Does this finally mean I've made my final transtion from being otherworldy & descending from the heavens to somethign more human? Am I human? Does the mere fact that I feel now mean something more?

The problem is that I don't know what I fear the most. Am I fearing the fact that one of us got caught? Am I fearing that I could be gunned down at any moment? Am I fearing that the choices we've made will finally find a reckoning in the passing of time? Am I fearing my own aging process? Am I fearing that the world is bigger & scarier than I think it is? Am I fearing that there are things that even the mass of humanity can't control?

Did the people of Bable build that build that tower because they knew that was the only way to surpass God's power? Did God fear us & use his power to decentralize us? I fear much.

I guess the introduction of fear has entered my psyche. I don't want to lose anything I value. Before I did not really care. Before, I suppose that the world was populated with different things I could value equally. But my smiles were just a front, and I've realized there are only a few things I truly value enough to pour my momney & time into them. I fear losing these few things.

Norway, London, and Kenya. Chance, choice, and structure. Choice, structure, and chance. Structure, change, and choice.

So I'm enervated since I have higher things I haven't thought about for a while. find solace in routine of the day. The patterns of existence that comfort us into a lull. I have no peace right now. I'm not going to pour my money & time into these 3 events that I've read about recently. I know that.

So I'm left floating through more time & space as I come to grips with what I will decide is worth more of my time & money. Because that's all I have, and that's all I can give.

But my energy goes into things like this, and what is left for everything else? I only hope that I'm doing it "good" enough.